Today’s post is dedicated to completely ridiculous beauty items I wish I had thought to market first. I’m basically the universe’s biggest sucker when it comes to beauty purchases, so if I think it’s silly? It’s probably pretty silly. But that doesn’t mean that people won’t buy it. People are dumb.

First up, The Lash Card. Says Birchbox: “Sometimes the rest of your face just gets in the way when you’re applying mascara. Even when you’re careful, it inevitably smudges on your eye lid and below your bottom lashes. Now there’s a way to prevent these common snafus: Lash Card, based on the makeup artist trick of using a cut out business card. This thick card keeps smears away and can also be used to separate any clumps.”

Okay, now I’m all for buying unnecessary things, but if you actually include a cheap, practical, eco-friendly alternative in your product description? Your product is probably silly.

Also, “Sometimes the rest of your face just gets in the way when you’re applying mascara“? Sounds like the intro to an SNL commercial parody. There are so many ways to mock this I can’t even decide on one.

There’s a better way: Apply mascara while looking down. If you fuck up, a Q-tip dipped in a small dot of silcone-based primer (Smashbox, Tarte, and most other brands) will erase mascara mistakes without smearing your eye makeup. Try it: it’s magic.

Next up, Glam Ears! I’m already hopping up and down at the name of this product. From Beauty Army: “Say goodbye to ear burns and hello to GlamEars! Protect your ears from burns when using hot styling tools, such as curling irons, flat irons, blow dryers, and hot rollers. These tools heat to excess of 400 degrees, causing serious burns to delicate ear tissue.”

Or, you know, you could just be careful. Now, I’m a massive spaz and am no stranger to burn marks on my neck that look suspiciously like hickeys, but maybe turn off Real Housewives while you’re curling your hair and you should be okay. Bonus: these come in different colors so you can match your outfit while looking like an idiot.

There’s a better way: Pay attention, dork.

Every Drop Beauty Spatula promises you weeks of extra use out of your last sludgy drops of lipgloss/what-have-you. Now, having worked in retail for many years, I’m no stranger to the incredible cheapness of some consumers, but come on. First off, I’ve probably used up like three tubes of lipgloss in my entire life (almost certainly this, and I was eleven). Secondly, the stuff at the bottom of the tube is probably all old and grimy, and possibly expired. And you’re saving yourself, what, a dollar’s worth? Yuck.

There’s a better way: Think of the last few drops as your gross backwash, toss it, and get yourself a nice fresh one. Or look at it as an opportunity to switch things up and find a new favorite!

Lastly, the Beauty Fixation Makeup Remover. While in possession of an excellent product name, it’s essentially Q-tips soaked in makeup remover. Which you can duplicate at home by, well, soaking Q-tips in makeup remover. Ostensibly the benefit to these is that they’re travel-friendly, but honestly, I can’t think of a time when I’ve been out of the house and needed a Q-tip soaked in makeup remover. While I’m doing my makeup at home, yes, but who draws all over their face during a touch-up? Extra points taken away for using the term “boo-boo” in the product description. For shame.

There’s a better way: If you find yourself making a lot of mistakes while you’re out and trying to touch up your makeup, you’re doing it wrong.

And I went to Sephora’s website to try to find some silly stuff there but I ended up buying this despite having all of those brushes already so I banned myself from exploring any further. Sorry.