Life After Fake Nails: Oh Shit.

Man, fake nails are fun, right?

You can walk into a salon with a mess of tattered, uneven nubs and emerge with gleaming, cuticle-free talons in any shape you can imagine (it’s basically witchcraft). You get to pretend like you take care of yourself well enough to grow long, strong nails without even biting them. You can open soda cans with your index finger. You can threaten strangers. Nice nails say something. They telegraph I’ve got my shit together without your actually having to say that, which would be weird and probably unconvincing.

Sadly, everything in this world that seems too good to be true definitely is, and fake nails are no exception. They require constant upkeep, can get pretty gross if you aren’t diligent, and when you finally decide to remove them because they’re a massive, expensive pain in the ass? Your real nails are a fucking nightmare. Even gel nails wreak their lesser brand of havoc, trust.

If you’re anything like me, you’re both too lazy and too cheap to go into a salon to remove them. Plus, I mean, it’s fun to peel those things off!

I’d probably DIY my own surgery if I could.

"What? I washed my hands."

“What? I washed my hands.”

Don’t just not make questionable decisions in the first place . . . buy products to solve it for you!

Which brings me to my point (finally): Perfect Formula Nail Essentials are a goddamn lifesaver. Well, okay, nail-saver. And hey, with a name like Perfect Formula, they’d better be.

The Pink Gel and Regular are for sale in a mini duo at Sephora for $20, and you need them. Nothing strengthens my nails and gets them back into fighting shape like this stuff (and I do mean fighting—nails are nature’s tools, after all). I generally use the Pink Gel version because a) it’s cuter and b) it contains some sort of magical “optical brightener” that corrects yellow discoloration and makes nails appear whiter and less disgusting.

Power at your fingertips

Power at your fingertips

Both formulas are fortified with keratin, the naturally-occurring protein you’ve stripped from those pure virgin nails in your foolish quest of vanity and hubris. One coat for the first two days, then add a second coat. Remove and repeat the whole thing two days after that until you’re not a peely-nailed garbage person.

I love having products that fix bad decisions. It’s so much easier to beg forgiveness than to ask for permission, know what I mean?

You know what I mean.


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