Our third volume of The Fuck is on Your Face?, the feature that is apparently gunning to be renamed Dudes Think Lipstick Turns Us Into Idiots, comes to us from Simon, who has a bone to pick with those of you still hanging on to the nineties. Step away from the butterfly clips and listen up.

From the classic 1996 horror film “Not the Blue Eyeshadow!”

I admit to being utterly baffled by the horrifically large swathe of womanhood that for some reason thinks it’s OK to put glitter on things.

And by things, I mean, inevitably, me. I speak to you as a man labouring under the pain of a mighty dry cleaning bill, a man who is tired of being shiny and glimmery.

You lot are a little more subtle these days; now I just have to avoid Rocky Horror events and Bieber concerts (done and done). I can imagine that the bronzing powder, shimmery eyeliner, eyeshadow, and top toner [Ed. note: what now?] looked like a good idea in the bright and marvellous light of Sephora, but after a night in this dark and murky bar with you pressing your face into my jacket, nobody wants to step outside to discover they look like they have been dry-humping Tinkerbell.

Did you get into the glitter paints again, girl?

Simon spells things funny because he’s from across the pond. When Googling failed us, we had to ask him what the heck “top toner” is. His response: “Something that sounds like makeup but probably isn’t. Whatever it is you brush on. >Buzz phrase< powder or whatever.”

Great, Simon. Thanks for clearing that up.