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Hangover Beauty 101

/ Sarah Campbell / 1 Comment
HangoverHERO

Don’t worry; nobody saw your table dance.

I tell ya. The older I get, the harder it is to bounce back from a night of debauchery. The morning after a few glasses of wine? I basically look like I’ve never heard of water.

The headaches I can handle, but dull, dehydrated skin? This aggression will not stand, man!

(Dramatic reenactment)

(Dramatic reenactment)

Though my spooning-with-Tostitos days have subsided (thank god), these are the Fancy Party months (read: open bar season). And this advice is timeless, yo. It’ll save your ass when you went a little too hard during Happy Hour and have to pretend like you don’t need to quietly vomit in your trashcan. Don’t be that guy.

You don’t have to follow every single step, but if you can slap a few of these products on your face in some semblance of order, you’re on your way to making yourself look human again.

Step 1: The reckoning

Alcohol seeps through pores as overnight, so you’re basically marinating in a pungent film of sweat and tequila. Yay!

Showering is non-negotiable, Margaritaville. No matter how complicated it sounds.

Oh, that's where that went.

Oh, that’s where that went.

Got enough time to wash and style your hair? Awesome! Do that!

If not, spray a generous amount of dry shampoo into your roots to absorb the sweat, oil, and dirty-hair smell. Spritz the rest with a texturizing spray (love Oribe Après Beach) and twist hair into two little buns while you go about the rest of your routine. The steam from the shower (that you are absolutely, definitely taking) will help set your waves.

Crack open those eye drops for bright, white eyeballs that say “What open bar?”

Crack open those eye drops for bright, white eyeballs that say “What open bar?”

Step 2: The purification

If only your wicked soul were this easily cleansed

If only your wicked soul were this easily cleansed

These Eyeko Mascara Off remover wipes stay super-moist to gently remove even the smokiest of eye makeup from wherever it has migrated. For the rest of your face, Skyn Iceland’s Arctic Facial Wash is amazing for stressed-out skin: it instantly calms redness (and the tingle makes me feel like I’m in a Dentyne Ice commercial).

Lush Ocean Salt Face and Body Scrub is a “cocktail” of lime, sea salt, and vodka–with coconut and avocado for moisture. Don’t worry; the scent is clean, fresh, and doesn’t smell like alcohol in the slightest.

Sorry I said “alcohol.”

Step 3: Skin rehab

The big guns

The big guns

Bliss Triple-Oxygen Energizing Mask is my go-to fix for dull skin. Vitamin C brightens and tones, while some sort of magic fizz pumps skin with oxygen (what? I’m not a doctor). Hey, when my skin looks this good after five minutes, you could tell me Voldemort himself mixed this batch and I’d still be like, yes put that on my face now, please and thank you.

For tired, bloated eyes, GLAMGLOW Brightmud Eye Treatment is another trick of the I-don’t-care-how-this-works-as-long-as-it-makes-me-pretty variety. Each pod contains two individually sealed scoops of product; the serving is generous enough that you can use one pod for both eyes to stretch each box twice as long. The tingly caffeine blend stimulates lymphatic drainage to tighten and diminish puffiness and dark circles, while brisk peppermint brightens and soothes.

Wear ‘em at the same time if you wanna look this cool (why am I putting these pictures on the internet, again?)

Step 4: Quench that thirst

Now that you’re bright and tight, let’s hydrate! …sorry about me

Now that you’re bright and tight, let’s hydrate! …sorry about me

Cucumber extract makes this Fresh Rose Hydrating Face Serum your hangover godsend: it instantly hydrates, cools, and soothes–the perfect targeted emollient under moisturizer. And Fresh’s new Hydrating Eye Gel Cream boasts the same dreamy scent and instant hydrating relief. Extra points if you’ve popped it in the fridge before heading out for the evening (pshyeah, like you’d remember when you got back). Then seal the hydration in with Skyn Iceland’s Arctic Hydrating Balm, which calms inflammation, repairs dryness, and protects against free radicals (eczema sufferers, take note!).

Step 5: Creating the illusion

Tricks are something a whore does for money.

ILLUSIONS, Michael. Tricks are something a whore does for money. (and drugs)

The Canvas

Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Primer contains coconut water, probiotics, and electrolytes to replenish moisture levels (just like the sports drinks and Whole Foods concoctions you should probably be drinking right about now). I’m obsessed with this primer–it smells like a tropical milkshake, makes skin look red-carpet-dewy, and creates a smooth, long-lasting surface for makeup.

Did I write the adorable copy for this? ... maybe.

Did I write the adorable copy for this? … maybe.

Hourglass’ tinted-moisturizer-like Illusion Hyaluronic Skin Tint harnesses Hyaluronic Acid’s water-binding molecules to plump skin and disguise fine lines, while “pearlescent pigments” impart the subtlest luminescence (in other words, no risk of blinding anyone in direct sunlight. UGH, direct sunlight).

Eve Lom Light Illusion Concealer pen: a lightweight brightening concealer similar to Touche Eclat

Eve Lom Light Illusion Concealer pen: a lightweight brightening concealer similar to Touche Eclat

Under Eye

Smashbox Photo Finish Under Eye Primer hydrates and keeps concealer from caking into fine lines. Photo Op Under Eye Brightener refracts light away from dark circles and can be used as a highlighter on the cupid’s bow, bridge of the nose, and cheekbones. Draw a long triangle with your concealer from the inner eye corner (the darkest part of the face) down to the redness-prone outer corner of the nose and back up under the middle of eye, then blend. If you like to set with powder, Smashbox Halo is an anti-aging mineral powder that actually hydrates and never looks cakey. I will buy Halo until they stop making it or I die, whichever comes first (hopefully the latter).

This Urban Decay Naked Basics palette is “well-loved”

This Urban Decay Naked Basics palette is “well-loved”

Eyes

Find a matte shadow that’s a few shades darker than your skin tone (brown shades like fawn, tawny, and espresso look most natural). With a short-bristled brush, smudge the shadow along your lower lash line; this will camouflage any remaining puffiness by making the area appear to recede.

Blend a light, slightly shimmery shade into the inner eye corners to neutralize dark shadows. Then fill in your lower waterline with a nude eyeliner (white can look too stark and obvious). This will make eyes appear wide awake and, more importantly, conceal those telltale red rims that scream “late night!”

Slooooowly and with great concentration

Slooooowly and with great concentration

Curl your lashes and apply a couple coats of mascara–the darkest black you can find will make your eyes look brighter (Too Faced Better Than Sex is “carbon-black”-dark, just sayin’).

Hair

Unclip your twists, shake ‘em out, and work any remaining dry shampoo into your roots. Your waves may need more texturizing spray, but don’t brush unless you want to look like Mia Thermopolis pre-makeover. Hey, you do you.

Glamour shots by Deb

Glamour shots by Deb

Your saviors

Pack these for midday emergencies: Sephora Blotting Films for inevitable afternoon sweatiness, Lush Eau Roma water to rehydrate, soothe, and perk you back up, and Skyn Iceland Icelandic Relief Eye Pen to keep puffy, tired eyes from reemerging.

Pack these for midday emergencies: Sephora Blotting Films for inevitable afternoon sweatiness, Lush Eau Roma water to rehydrate, soothe, and perk you back up, and Skyn Iceland Icelandic Relief Eye Pen to keep puffy, tired eyes from reemerging.

I know whereof I speak

What’s your hangover cure? I need it … for reasons.

*full disclosure: author has since been employed by Too Faced cosmetics as a copywriter. This post was written & scheduled prior to that, plus author knows her shit, so don’t even worry.

**also, author is not an alcoholic, but she did have some interesting college times.

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I Literally Walked Into a Door and Now I Have a Black Eye

/ Sarah Campbell / Leave a comment

If you know me at all, you know I’m just about the world’s clumsiest idiot; I can fall over while just standing there, never mind what a disaster I am in heels or — god forbid — in motion. It’s no adorable rom-com Katherine Heigl spazzy-cute thing, though; no son, it’s full-on Three Stooges territory over here. So when I literally walked into a door a couple weeks ago (no domestic abuse here, just obliviousness and poor reaction skills — I’m here to tell you that it is possible), I was neither shocked nor particularly worried. I shrugged it off; I’m resilient, I’d be fine. It was, as they say, my ego that was bruised.

This is what happens when you try to date a dentist.

But that night when I removed my eye makeup, I did a Charlie Chaplin-style double take when I realized that all was not quiet on the home front. My eye socket was turning an angry, mottled purple, starting in the inner corner and spreading to the browbone. This was confusing, since it was the area above my eye that took the beating.

To The Google!

Wikipedia clarified that black eyes — or periorbital hematomas, if you’re fancy — commonly manifest due to trauma to areas around the eye, not necessarily the socket itself. “Despite the name, the eye itself is not affected. Blunt force or trauma to the eye socket results in burst capillaries and subsequent haemorrhaging (hematoma).[1] The fatty tissue along with the lack of muscle around the eye socket allows a potential space for blood accumulation. As this blood is reabsorbed, various pigments are released similar to a bruise lending itself to the extreme outward appearance.”

Fat deposits and blood accumulation? Gross!

By the second day I looked like I should be working in a flower shop and apologizing to Mr. Mushnik. The bruise seeped into my undereye skin, giving me that classic shiner look I sported in fourth grade after getting hit in the face with a baseball. Not so cute on a grown woman — and I had to appear in public without frightening small children or making people worry about my home life. Thank god for cosmetics. Should this misfortune ever befall you, learn from my (very painful) mistakes. These tips can also be used for severe dark circles.

Shorten your recovery time by pre-treating

Assuming your eye is in good shape, and the only pain you’re feeling is where you bonked your head (you might want to check with Web MD or your general practitioner; I’m no doctor), you can pre-treat to minimize the healing time. The classic advice is to grab a big ol’ fatty steak and slap it on there. The chill from refrigeration will help reduce the swelling, and the malleable shape makes it easy to wear. But if there’s broken skin, you won’t want to expose it to raw meat, which can harbor bacteria. Either put it in a ziplock bag or go with the frozen peas option. Pop a painkiller for the pain you’re probably feeling (avoid aspirin because it will inhibit clotting), and keep your head elevated to discourage pooling (shudder).

Start with a clean base

Make sure your canvas is as clean as possible; you don’t need any extra mascara darkening your socket. Then start with an eye shadow base. A good one will help neutralize along with creating a surface to grab the concealer. In painting myself back into normalcy, I used more Smashbox Eye Shadow Primer than anything else. It’s a nude/apricot color that really helped to neutralize the purple, and it’s creamier than other eye primers (I know a lot of people swear by Urban Decay, but I like Smashbox’s heavier texture better). Plus, the doe-foot applicator made it easy to pack the product in one spot. Blend the harsh edges with a concealer brush, being careful not to smudge the concentrated pigment in the center.

Color-correct and conceal

Kindergarten stuff, people.

You’re going to want to refer to color theory for color-correction. Laura Mercier has a great one in a rose/mauve for purple circles that you layer under concealer for a neutralizing effect. It looks silly and weird before your skin-matching concealer step, but it really does work magic. You can also mix with a creamy concealer in your shade for more subtle correction. Then, as the bruise turns increasingly Monet-esque (seriously, all the colors of the rainbow, y’all), you can reach for your trusty color wheel and just balance with the shade on the opposite end of the spectrum. Makeup For Ever has amazing skintone-based color-correcting palettes. As for concealer, Clé de Peu has a beautiful creamy-but-blendable formula.

Finishing touches

Set with a lightweight finishing powder. Then give yourself a sexy, smudgy smokey eye to camouflage discoloration and distract from your undereye area. The smokier the shadow and the bigger the cat-eye, the better.

Days 1, 3, 5. You can see how the bruise spreads from the upper eyelid to the undereye area.
Bottom: Same days, corrected. I got better at concealing it the more I practiced even though the problematic areas migrated, and near the end of the whole thing I just looked kinda tired.

Halp! Oil Control

/ Sarah Campbell / 1 Comment

Sometimes my friends ask me for help (halp! in internetspeak), even more so now that this blog has established me as The Universe’s Leading Cosmetics expert. From my friend Leela:

Alright, make up lady here are some Q’s for ya:

-what is a mattifying balm and which one should i get?
-transluscent powder – is that the ‘mineral veil’ in bare minerals (if not, please recommend)?
-blotting sheets – oil absorbing paper?

Okay, darlin. Mattifying balm/gel/lotion/etc. is just what it sounds like — stuff you put on your face to matte your complexion. I know a lot of people who swear by Benefit’s Dr. Feelgood ($29). It lasts a long time and comes in the most adorable retro tin. They’ve been making it as long as I’ve been in the Cult of Sephora (you bet I drink the Kool-Aid), so you know it’s a classic.

My favorite, though, is Smashbox Targeted Pore & Line Primer ($34). A Smashbox artist I used to work with often said, “It gives you Barbie skin!” and while that’s a tad hyperbolic, it’s as close as most of us are gonna get. This isn’t a primer like Smashbox’s other primers; it goes on much more smoothly over makeup as opposed to being a base. It’s a spot-fixer. Squeeze a pea-sized amount, warm it between your fingers, and pat onto the texturized areas you’d like to smooth out and oil-control (most likely that’ll be the T-zone area). Bonus: packed with skincare ingredients like peptides and antioxidants. I love it when my instant gratification promises long-term benefits. It’d be like if pizza were all, “Yeah, I taste good now and I’m negative calories tomorrow.”

Sigh. Sorry, where were we?

Translucent powder is powder without pigment. It has the function of setting your makeup in place and keeping it there (it’s so awkward when your makeup tries to make a run for it. We’ve all seen it). The best ones right now actually contain a magic pore-blurring ingredient called Silica. My favorites are Make Up Forever HD Microfinish Powder ($32), Smashbox Photo Set Finishing Powder ($28), and Too Faced Primed & Poreless Powder ($28). These will all minimize pores and fine lines while setting makeup and controlling oil. Bonus: they can be used in your hair for oil control! I kid you not.

And finally, you press blotting sheets onto your skin for a touch-up when you start to feel oily. They won’t smudge your makeup, and they’re über-portable. The nice thing about these is that you’re not caking on more makeup on top of makeup (which can start looking heavy), but the downside is that they’re hardly eco-friendly. Boscia Blotting Linens ($10) are Sephora’s most popular brand, but I like MAC Blot Film ($15) because I feel like they pick up more oil (plus you can better see how much they’ve picked up — gross and satisfying!). Weird but true trick: paper toilet seat covers work in a pinch. You’re welcome.

Product Review: Urban Decay Naked Skin Foundation

/ Sarah Campbell / 1 Comment

My grandmother has sold Mary Kay for as long as I can remember, which means that makeup has been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. When I was two I pioneered a high-fashion look that involved blue eyeshadow dragged entirely across my face from one eye to the other, sort of like a big blue unibrow (pictures from this event have mysteriously vanished). Still, it was all lipsticks, nail polishes, and eyeshadows; I didn’t discover foundation until I was all of ten years old.

Love at first sight

I was in my first big play. It was dress rehearsal, and someone brought out a big, crusty tacklebox full of stage makeup. I have no idea who gave it to me, or what brand it was, but my first thought remains a crystal clear memory: “This stuff is AMAZING.” It was if I was smearing on new skin on top of my perpetually flushed, much-bemoaned freckles (now, in my incredible maturity, mostly embraced). I had in my hand the secret to Barbie skin. It was a feeling of enormous power, and I instinctively knew that this goop was gonna be a big part of my life someday.

And it has been. Like any makeup junkie (and many casual users, too), I’m always on the lookout for the perfect foundation. It’s had its ups and downs (cream foundation as a preteen was probably one of those downs). Lately I’ve been on a tinted moisturizer kick —  summer just seems to call for tinted moisturizer. My last big foundation love affair, though, was with Smashbox Studio Skin ($42) for its staying power and solid coverage. Before that it was Smashbox High Definition ($39), which I liked for its invisibility and good-for-you skincare ingredients (like cell-energizing Ribose and vitamin C).

But you guys, YOU GUYS. I was shopping in Sephora (like I do) all “la la la, shopping in Sephora la la la” and I came across a gorgeous Urban Decay display.

Sometimes things just need to be documented.

Instant pleasure

It was the new Urban Decay Naked Skin Weightless Ultra Definition Liquid Makeup ($38). I looked at it. It looked back. I pulled out my phone and took a picture of it (the fact that my face happened to be in the frame is purely coincidental, I assure you). I asked the salesperson nearest me (who was politely pretending not to notice my camera-whoring) if I could have a sample, and she made me one (bless you, Sephora).

When I got it home and put it on my face, I noticed immediately that I’d asked for the wrong color (.5. I usually just get the lightest color available since my skin color is, as my dad would say, “clear”, but that didn’t work this time). Still, the texture was gorgeous. Lightweight, blendable, buildable coverage, natural demi-matte finish. This is everything you want in a foundation. I took a deep breath and went to examine myself in our frightening bathroom magnifying mirror: smooth, even skin tone, nary a tell-tale clogged pore buckling under the weight of heavy formula in sight. Invisible.

“This is the thing about foundations: It’s kind of like shapewear. At its worst, it’s uncomfortable, it makes you sweat, and people can tell you’re wearing it. But at its best, you look flawless, all the right places are expertly concealed — and no one knows why.”

—Allure, September 2012.

Like my beloved Smashbox HD, Naked also has skincare ingredients. Says the product description: “This makeup loads skin with a list of nourishing ingredients including: Matrixyl 3000 (a powerful anti-wrinkle peptide), protective and brightening Litchiderm, antioxidant Green Tea and Sodium Hyaluronate for optimal skin hydration and nutrient absorption.” I mean, I’m always a sucker for a made-up ingredient name that promises to rescue my skin as it makes it look better.

I decided to order it online after Sephora lured me with the siren song of some juicy extras with my next order.

And here’s where stuff got tricky

As you can see, the shades are “explained” on Sephora’s site. The idea behind the numbers (.5 – 12) is that anything ending in .5 is cool-toned, while .0 shades are warmer. Since I’m pale with slight yellow undertones, of course I ordered 3.5, a “beige with pink undertones”. Seriously, I don’t know what my deal was that morning. Caffeine-deprived or something. But I digress.

When it arrived on my doorstep, it says something about the superiority of the formula that despite my idiocy in ordering what was clearly the wrong color, I was able to wear it anyway with some improvisation (mostly involving blending down to my neck, which is not necessary with the right shade; you should only need to blend into your jawline). I looked a bit pinker and tanner than normal, but not like I was wearing a bunch of foundation. Workable, but not ideal.

My happy ending

I exchanged it for my perfect shade today (2.0 if you care. You care? That’s weird). Even the Sephora cashier raved about this foundation as she helped me with the exchange (she also happened to be wearing it at the time). It’s absolutely worth grabbing a couple of samples and/or being matched.

And there’s absolutely no reason your matching should be as needlessly difficult as mine was (and in case you were wondering, I documented that saga to spare you the burden of going through the same rigamarole). The display includes those nifty little clear shade guides (top left photo), but if you’re at a counter or if they’re fresh out, start with the shade you think will be your match and swipe it on your jawline. Keep swiping until you find a good match, then swipe on the next lighter and next darker shades next to it. Your shade will be the one that disappears on your skin with the least blending.

See? Clear. But look how well that shit blends.

The Fuck is on Your Face? Vol. V: At First Blush

/ Sarah Campbell / Leave a comment

Drew is a playwright and wordsmith and an all-around fantastic human being; you know, one of those friends you adore but never get to see because they’re across the country? He had a few words to say on the subject of blush:

In a nutshell: let’s try to avoid a Raggedy Ann situation here.

Blush is tough for me because it’s a type of makeup that doesn’t intend to really blend into the skin, or emphasize naturally-occurring lines. Although it can effectively mimic what your face might look like if you’ve just accidentally crotch-flashed a foreign dignitary, let’s not be mistaken here: it’s artifice. And because of this, and how prominently it changes one’s entire appearance, no makeup mistake raises my eyebrow more than an over-rouge-ing.

As far as more “experimental” tones of blush go, I say: huh? Let’s keep in mind what we’re trying to improve here: a woman’s face. There’s nothing more exquisite in the world than a woman’s face. If you held up a woman’s face next to an assortment of, like, colors, guess what I’d be most interested in? Yup, the goddamn woman’s face.

So for the love of all things sacred, please don’t go all Rothko on those cheeks.

Aw geez, Drew. Flattery will get you everywhere (as will a good art reference).

I’ll admit to not being a huge blush user. I’m not sure why, exactly. It’s a lovely concept; it certainly can look very fresh and pretty. I guess it’s just one of those things I forget to wear. I’m more of a bronzer person, and only then to warm up my complexion if I feel a bit pale or I got some unexpected sun on the rest of my body (high planes of the face where the sun would hit) or to contour (slightly darker bronzer applied with an angled brush in the hollows of the cheeks under cheekbones). My favorite bronzers are Hoola ($28) and Smashbox Halo ($39) — both matte and very natural. A couple of great bronzer/blush multitaskers are Smashbox Fusion Soft Lights ($30) and Too Faced’s Caribbean in a Compact in Snow Bunny ($29), though both have some shimmer to them. If I am using blush by itself, I’ll generally go with worldwide favorite Nars Orgasm ($28, and also available in a split compact with Laguna, a soft matte bronzer), or Benefit Dandelion ($28) for more of an ethereal, subtle glow. If you’re looking for a foolproof way to pick a color, try pinching your cheeks (old beauty magazine trick) and pick a color similar to your natural flush. And make sure you pay attention to the level of shimmer in the product — a little can bring out your cheekbones, but too much can make you look like a disco ball. Check yourself out in direct sunlight to be sure.

When it comes to choosing a brush, just remember: the denser the bristles, the more color they will pick up and deposit on your face. The lightest, most subtle brush you can use is the fan brush. Apples of the cheeks are a good place to start, but you can experiment with different planes of your face for different effects. When in doubt, just smile and apply along the part that bulges out most (heh).

As always, just make sure you blend the shit out of it (for the record, I do not want this written on my gravestone). 

We can’t all have Drew’s natural healthy flush (also pictured: me and my bronzer habit).

I hijacked this bio from MTV Voices, where Drew sometimes writes:

Drew Paryzer (a.k.a. Andrés, אַבְרָהָם, ட்ரூ, and Shnookums) is a playwright, journalist, couch-surfing traveler, pun-lover, reflective listener, and heat-seeking missile.

He thinks he might have discovered the meaning of life looking into a pond one time, but then he had to start paying rent. Wrested out of Hebrew day school in Miami at a young age, reared with saxophone and Super Mario in the Rocky Mountains, and raised in South India, South America, and at Sarah Lawrence College, Drew now lives in Brooklyn, N.Y. and has little idea what the hell is going on in this world until he starts writing about it. He once tried to climb up a palm tree and uprooted the thing. He’s mostly convinced that we’re all becoming cyborgs. Follow him on Twitter; you’ll be glad you did.

HALP! Up All Night

/ Sarah Campbell / 3 Comments

Did you have a little too much fun last night? Did you drink all the things? Or maybe you just stayed up late clicking through all of your ex-boyfriend’s Facebook photos and crying [author has never done either of these things]. Either way, your alarm just went off and you’re scared to look in the mirror, right? Well, you should be. You look like hell. But don’t worry! You can put things on your face to fool people into thinking you’re functional! [Note: I will be providing links to products so that you can buy them. They will probably mostly be to the same site, and that is because I am in an unhealthy one-sided relationship with Sephora. Seriously, baby, why don’t you return my calls?]

Skincare

First off, get in the shower. You smell like cheap champagne and regret.

While you’re in there, take off all your smudged eye makeup with some good eye-friendly cleanser. I like Philosophy’s Purity. I’ve had my $32 16 oz. for over a year now, probably because I only use it in the shower. Solid investment. It’ll getcha squeaky clean in a gentle (chamomile-infused!) fashion, and it wins Best of Sephora every time for a reason.

Now you need to give yourself a good exfoliation to brighten up your complexion, increase circulation, and get rid of all those dead skin cells. Just because I’m obsessed with Kate Somerville’s ridiculously expensive Exfolikate doesn’t mean you have to be (seriously, Kate, $85 for 2 oz.? And can we take a second to talk about how .5 goes for $19, but 2 oz. is $85? Is it possible that you’re worse at math than I am?). It’s undeniably fantastic, with small grains and fruit enzymes that exfoliate chemically as well as physically (it’s supposed to tingle, but if it’s burning, wash it off and try the gentle version). I use it in the shower 2-3x a week. If you can’t part with the cash, good old St. Ives Apricot Scrub ($3) will do you just fine.

After your shower, moisturize immediately. Since alcohol/lack of sleep are drying, you’ll probably want something with even more hydration than usual to plump up your skin. My go-to when I’m feeling parched is Caudalie Pulpe Vitaminée ($58). Immediately quenches, has great antioxidants and natural stress-relieving botanicals, and smells delicious. However, I just started using a sample of Sephora’s (relatively new) Instant Moisturizer, which at $20 for 1.7 is much more wallet-friendly, and you get that same instant “hey look now I’m moisturized” feeling. I’ll probably pick some up when I’m done toothpaste-squeezing my sample.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but your eyes are puffy. They just are. If you’re looking for a miracle worker, Dior Capture Totale Instant Eye Rescue Treatment ($95) is astonishing. I’ve seen this sucker take out the puffiest of eye bags in under a minute. You squeeze a bit of the magic energizing cream (Dior is pretty vague about product descriptions and ingredients, but I’m pretty sure it involves virgin blood) onto the perpetually-cool palladium tip and press/massage into your suborbital eye area. I swear this stuff is amazing. I’ve never owned it, personally, because I am not independently wealthy and nobody has ever seen fit to give me one for free (weird, right?). If you’re looking for a less expensive option, Clinique’s Depuffing Eye Serum ($28) has a nice little cooling rollerball, and you can even use it over makeup during the day to refresh (I’d say it’s “Like a 3 pm cup of coffee for your eyes!” but I am obviously above such things). Drugstore brands are always coming out with versions of these as well.

By the way, if you absolutely can’t wash your hair, dry shampoo is your best friend. I’m partial to the classic Pssssst!, which doesn’t leave a residue and smells delicious, and my friend Hilary — who has enviable hair and has tried ’em all — swears by Suave. Dry shampoo is also awesome for when you get a little overexcited with your styling lotion and end up being able to see your reflection in your hair.

Cosmetics

I’m not going to go through all the usual makeup steps. You already know about primers, foundation, etc. Here are just a couple of products and some tips that’ll perk you up and make you look more human.

Touche Éclat, YSL ($40). I resisted this one for a long time. “Yeah, yeah, cult product, blah blah,” I thought. “I have a million highlighters, I have a million concealers, what could possibly be so great about this one? Plus, $40? Ouch.” And then I got a sample. Slight digression: I’m going to do a post on sampling services like Birchbox and Beauty Army very soon, but while I’m on the subject, let me just say that samples are your friend. They’ll help you discover products you’d never dreamed of trying, or items that seemed too expensive to bother with but upon sampling are actually your holy grail. They’re also handy for travel. I am also planning a post on how to get the most out of your department store counter experience (and I’ll probably throw some Sephora know-how in there, since I’ve worked for both types of retailers), and it will definitely involve some real talk on samples. Aaaanyway. Touche Éclat, annoyingly, lives up to the hype. It’s creamy yet lightweight, with enough coverage to replace your undereye concealer but not enough weight to call attention to fine lines. Plus it has the added bonus of a bit of artificial light in there to brighten you up. There’s a great selection of shades based on skin tone and undertones (BTW, my biggest advice for concealer is don’t go too light. The reverse raccoon does no one any favors; you may as well hang a sign around your neck that says HAHA NOW YOU CAN’T SEE MY DARK CIRCLES).

Also, guess what. They have one for dudes now, too. Progressive!

Smashbox Eye Beam Double-Ended Brightener ($24) has saved me on a few occasions. One side of the pencil is a highlighter, great for under the brow or in the inner corners of the eyes, but the other side is what’s truly useful — it’s for your inner rim/waterline. Covers the inevitable lack-of-sleep redness while brightening and opening up the whole eye. I also use this if I’ve been having allergies. Just be very, very careful when applying. Don’t do this one in the car.

Right now I’m really into this Crimson Cream Rouge cream blush/lip tint by Besame Cosmetics ($22). Don’t be scared by the color, just tap a tiny bit onto the apple of your cheeks and blend, and do the same for your lips. It’ll brighten you up with a subtle I-just-ate-a-popsicle flush. Cream blush has good staying power, and won’t make you look all powdery. The trick is to find a shade that’s bright enough to give you some pop, and to use it subtly.

Finally, my eye makeup trick. Drag a concealer pencil in your shade (I like Shiseido The Makeup Correcter Pencil, $18, because it’s a small pencil, rare in the mostly-chunky concealer pencil world) right along the bottom of your eye bags where that dark line is. You know the basic rule of shading — put something dark on your face and it’ll cause that area to recede, put something light on your face and it’ll bring it forward, right? Same principle applies here. You want to fill in that dark line of demarcation at the end of the puffiness. In the same vein, grab a brown shadow (Smashbox Waterproof Shadow Liners, $22, are nice and chunky, and live up to their name- you’ll need a real makeup remover to get that shit off. Just make sure you smudge immediately after it touches your skin or you’re stuck with a hard line FOREVER) and smudge it on the area you want to recede: the puffy part (line & smudge along your lashes, too, for balance). This trick is like magic, I swear. Brown tends to look the most natural, but you can switch it up if you like. Match the depth of the shade to your coloring- if you’re really fair, go easy with the espresso shades. If you’re a spaz, powder shadows are much easier to manipulate and more forgiving; use with a small short-bristled shadow brush.

Cheap, easy trick to look dewy and luminous? Pat a tiny bit of Vaseline along the tops of your cheekbones. Don’t forget your eyeliner/mascara/whatever you like to use. Finally, blot away some of your t-zone shine with blotting papers (rather than using powder, which can build up and be drying). My favorite is MAC Blot Film ($15). Toss these in your bag for a quick and easy go-to shine remover. People will look at you funny while you’re blotting, but that’s only because they’re jealous of your foresight.

Now fill up your water bottle and go find the greasiest breakfast in town. Got hangover/perk-me-up tips? Leave ’em in the comments!