TBH I’m, like, slightly sorry for the egregious neglect of this blog. But definitely not as sorry as a YouTuber who forgot to upload a video like one time. You know? Why are they like that?
Anyway, I would love to tell you that I’m dusting off the ol’ WordPress skills and getting those rusty gears turning again. But let’s be real, that’s way too much pressure to put on someone who stopped making concrete plans to go anywhere WAYYYY before social distancing became A Thing.
But hey! Remember how I used to write for xoVain? I was looking for one of my Shakespeare costume articles this last Halloween (or the one before that—time is a construct for you these days but it’s always been one for me), and was super bummed to see that the whole site (as well as sister site xoJane) is now defunct.
I wrote SO many articles for them! I mean, my entire journey into the confusing world of beauty/product photography was kicked off thanks to all the “constructive” article comments! (I still didn’t/don’t know what the fuck I’m doing, but eventually the mean comments about my camera skills subsided, so I took that as a win.)
Since there’s no way I’m letting that struggle be for naught, I’ve decided to publish my beauty articles here for archival purposes! Is that legal? Do I have any ownership? Is that kind of content copyrighted? I don’t know! (If you do, just remember that snitches get stitches.)
It may take me a while to actually upload all of the articles because I am both lazy and not getting paid for this. So try not to, like, get TOO into it. Don’t make it weird.
In conclusion, please come back and check out the vintage Sarah beauty blogging that’s coming your way. I hope you and your family are safely hanging in there during this insanely tumultuous period. Keep your spirits up and don’t forget to stay the fuck home.
Okay, so I’m a massive Shakespeare dork. Even though I’m currently all tangled up in the beauty industry, I still fantasize about being the cool interdisciplinary English/theater/history teacher who stokes the fire for the Bard in skeptical high school students. My WMD (if you will) would definitely be field trips to live theater and copious film screenings. That’s what our guy was all about, after all: performance. Entertainment. Unparalleled poetry and character direction built right into the cadence with painstaking, heartbreaking precision.
HEY, you may have noticed that I swiped the title for this blog from Hamlet’s “Makeup is LIES and DECEIT, Ophelia” accusation from the infamous “Get thee to a nunnery” speech! Ten points for your nerdy wizard school or whatever if you’d already guessed.
Anyway, I found a $30 “Medieval Chemise” on Amazon, so I built three different Shakespearean costumes for xoVain last week. And dude, it doesn’t get much more comfortable than a nightgown for late-night/early-morning revelry.
I could’ve torn through the Bard’s heroine oeuvre if my nonexistent self-restraint were allowed to roam free, but Desdemona felt like poor taste in light of October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month (I have some stuff to say about that on xoJane, btw) and I’m not quite up to Lavinia-stage amputation for a last-minute Friday. But these costumes are cheap, easy, and badass (just like me! … wait.). If you have $25 bucks, a little makeup, and 15 minutes, you have no excuse.
Shhhh.
No excuse.
Juliet
Ay me.
Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die, Take him and cut him out in little stars, And he will make the face of heaven so fine That all the world will be in love with night
Urban Decay Naked Basics
Poor Juliet. First love is torment enough without your parents being total control freaks. My favorite Juliet will always be Olivia Hussey, so I wanted some strong brows (also, pro tip: thicker brows make you look younger). Check out my glow-y, eyebrow-celebratory tutorial on xoVain.
Lady Macbeth
Yet who would have thought the old man to have so much blood in him?
Come, you spirits That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full Of direst cruelty.
Anastasia Tamanna Palette
An actress meant for television drama, the original stage mother-type, or just a bloodthirsty bitch? The beauty of these plays is in the freedom of interpretation. My Lady M is pretty into all things sanguine, so let’s get the show on the road: xoVain has the tutorial.
Ophelia
Rosemary, that’s for remembrance. Pray you, love, remember.
By Gis, and by Saint Charity, Alack, and fie for shame! Young men will do’t if they come to’t, By cock they are to blame. Quoth she, before you tumbled me. You promised me to wed.
Hamlet is the absolute pinnacle of English literature. If you’ll allow me to quote myself (and you will, because this is my blog and I do what I want), “Shakespeare really got to go nuts with Hamlet, careening from dazzling wordplay to lowbrow goofiness to arguably the most eloquent exploration of mortality and what it means to be a human that’s ever been put to the page.”
The makeup tutorial I created to go along with the review ended up getting cut, so I figured I’d post it here in case any of you are going to an 80s party or wanna be a goofy pop star for Halloween. I’m not exactly a Katy Perry fan, but her music is catchy and I gotta give props to the chicks fighting the good fight by daring to be curvy in public.
A quick note first: Perry is a cultural appropriation lightning rod right now. A battle is being fought in the pop music sector as socio-political gaffes (like a popstar co-opting another cultural style in a music video) are no longer getting swept under the proverbial rug. I’m not a radio listener (or a music video watcher), and I don’t exactly have much feminist theory under my belt, so I’m going to leave that conversation to the more experienced writers of the internet.
All right, onto the dumb stuff!
When Tom walked by, he said, “That’s very … makeup-y.” Nailed it.
I’ve always wanted to try a Katy Perry makeup look (if you haven’t, you’re lying), so when Topshop’s gorgeous 4-pan Atlantis Eye Palette came into my life, I knew the time had come. They say blue shadow isn’t for the green-eyed? Psssh. There are no rules in beauty!
Topshop Atlantis Eye Palette
I started out with a full-coverage base à la Ms. Perry, using Hourglass Immaculate Foundation and Too Faced Cocoa Powder Foundation for a matte, doll-like finish. (The latter smells like chocolate. I think Katy would approve.) KP’s got some Brows with a capital B, so I used Hourglass Arch Brow Sculpting Pencil with bold, steady strokes. The waxy formula helps tame unruly hairs, while the rich pigment fills in everything evenly (and don’t even think about buying a brow pencil without a spoolie on the other end!). Check out my gradient brow tutorial on xoVain for more detailed info.
Tap some highlighter (like Benefit High Beam) onto the high planes of your face, then blend with a damp sponge.
Palette time! Pack the light blue-turquoise shade onto your upper lid with a short-bristled shadow brush (I love this MAC #219 Pencil Brush’s tiny tip), then bring it down along your lower lashline.
Don’t worry about achieving perfection; we’ll blend later. Add the navy blue shade in a V-shape around the outer corners of your upper and lower lash lines.
Swirl a fluffy blending brush into the shimmery white shade in the palette, and buff out the blue edges in tiny circular motions. You can pack extra white shadow into the inner corner of the eye and directly under your brow arch for a brightening effect.
Use a black liquid liner (my favorite is Kat Von D’s Tattoo Liner) to draw a rounded cat eye. Think ‘60s mod; Katy’s got the Zooey Deschanel wide-eyed thing going on. Use a concealer pencil or white eyeliner to line your lower waterline for that huge cartoon-eyes effect.
It’s not Katy Perry if you don’t wear fake lashes. I used a random drugstore pair that was on hand, but I’d definitely recommend a thicker strip for more authenticity. Finally, I used NYX Butter Gloss in Créme Brulee for a muted lip that didn’t compete with my crazy upper face.
Lunatic transformation complete.
Bonus: my gorgeous friend Sara in the same makeup! My pictures of her ended up kinda sucking (still working on the whole how-to-use-a-camera thing), but we had a blast anyway.
Add some bright pink lips and a Marilyn wig and you’re Jessica Lange from the American Horror Story: Freakshow Bowie tribute.
Is there life on Maaaaaaaars?
Can we talk about how fantastic that sequence was for a second? Four days later and it’s still stuck in my head. Ryan Murphy, you ridiculous genius.
Welp, I just realized today that I started this little blog two years ago! If And You Make Yourself Another were a person, it would be cutting its own bangs and yelling the word “no” at me. Or teething. I don’t know, I don’t have kids.
To celebrate, I reread The Very First Post, which I’d argue still holds up in our brave new 2014:
The internet has enough how-tos. If you want to learn to do anything, go look it up on YouTube. You don’t need to see my dumb face telling you how to “Create the Perfect Cat-Eye” or “How to Find the Perfect Red Lipstick!” I mean, fuck, the entire magazine industry is built on these recycled premises. Go sit in a waiting room. You might even pick up some tips on “How to Please Your Man!” (hint: it starts with blow and ends with job).
This is going to be beauty for smart girls (or dudes, we don’t discriminate here). You’re not thirteen years old playing with your mother’s rouge anymore. You’re a grown person (or, y’know, mature), and you can handle the word fuck once in a while (sorry, Grandma). You can also understand multisyllabic words (like multisyllabic!). So let’s stop dumbing down the beauty industry, because that’s the last thing it needs.
Sage words, 2012 Sarah.
While this piece of the internet hasn’t become the multi-staff, moneymaking venture I made no effort to make it, I still feel pretty good about pulling some words out of my brain and sticking them on the internet like this. Hey, it’s also served as an expletive-laden portfolio of sorts; I was able to parlay this thing into writing gigs for Beautylish, Sephora, and xoVain (and I’m in talks for something big, so say a little prayer for me). Also, I have a real camera now, so expect some actual beauty blogging (well, my version of beauty blogging).
You’ll be back.
Anyway, thanks for sticking around, or for ditching and coming back to laugh and point.
And you make yourself another 