Y’ever try a new product and it’s amazeballs and you’re like “Aw fuck, now I have to buy it”?

That just happened to me today. Twice. I got a sample of GLAMGLOW Super-Clearing Mud Mask Treatment ($69), and I’m in love after only one use. I’ll keep you posted on the next two applications I hope to scrape out of my sample jar, but I expect I’ll only fall further in love. Sigh. Love hurts (my wallet).

So the deal with this stuff is it looks like an Orc vomited up his breakfast of volcanic rock and Hobbit liver (see because that movie based on that one book just came out, right, topical!). You smooth it on in a thin layer (luckily for my wallet) and leave on anywhere from 5-20 minutes (I left mine on for 20 because that’s just how I roll, yo). The ingredients are purported to actually draw out toxins like blackheads and whiteheads from your skin, tighten pores, clear breakouts, absorb oils, and do your taxes. You wash it off with water, then admire yourself for hours in the mirror afterward. I know I’m not supposed to touch my face, but you guys. It feels awesome. Like baby skin. Like a baby with really good skin. And my skin is dry combo, so don’t worry about it drying you out. Just moisturize afterward. It can also be used as a spot treatment overnight, yay!

So after my religious experience with GLAMGLOW, I used my sample of Erno Laszlo’s Phormula 3-9 Repair Balm ($245, ouch). It immediately hydrated and soothed my skin, and now I’m basically glowing. The company says it has a protective “Health Dome”, whatever that is. It does feel protective, like I could go hang out in a sandstorm and come home still looking hot. I’m not really the Burning Man type, though. The point is that this stuff feels amazing on my dry skin, and I’m just crazy enough to need it.

Anyway, now I’m in the market for a Sugar Daddy. Anyone wanna furnish my expensive taste?

Are you freaking kidding me, Beauty Bar?