Once again, we bring you the feature wherein Dudes Talk Out of Their Asses on Makeup. Todd has some words on bronzer. We recommend clicking the links. Go on. Do it. 

There is a tone of discouragement running through this series like a seam of mold in a block of bleu cheese.  That ain’t me.  I’m the curd and I’m here to say, “You go girl!”

I have been raised almost entirely among men.  I have two brothers, no sisters.  Of my 12 cousins there is one girl, a tomboy 20 years younger than me.  I went to Catholic school, where the girls are able to grow their mustaches before the boys.  I have paid the same attention to my sundry lady friends’ beauty routines as they have the fluctuations in the roster of the New York Knicks.  The result?  You have me totally fooled.  Makeup, hair tricks, perfumes.  I actually believe this is how you look and smell.  I am content to assume that female tear ducts secrete eye liner, their pores the scent of lilacs and lavender or whatever.

There is one thing that does not fool me: bronzer.  I am pale by birth (Nordic stock) and by lifestyle.  I don’t climb mountains for a living; I sit at a desk and write beauty articles for a law firm.  I realize how hard it can be to incite melanin production.  That said, I have had visions of the future and they concern me.  I feel duty bound to reveal them here.  You won’t find this information anywhere else.

Based on my desire to take this article where I want it to go, beauty trends have a way of pushing the envelope, finding extremes and going beyond to magnificent new frontiers in the field of good looks.  Today, you ladies are using bronzer.  The Arms Race and Space Race each escalated exponentially.  The Face Race will be no different.  Before too long, a simple coating of light orange will not be enough.  Soon to follow will be the new product, bronzest.  Taking note of the Olympian ideal, we know bronze is trumped only by silver and gold.  Now look, I like Star Trek probably more than the next guy.  I could get down with robo-chicks.  But ladies, you’re not robots.  All that fucking paint is gonna get everywhere, more specifically all over my stuff.  I just washed these sheets fer chrissakes.  And you’re already beautiful the way Jesus and Buddha made you: with your blue shaded eye spaces and perfectly arched eyebrows, the way light catches your permanently flushed cheeks.  You works of art, you.

Seconds before bursting into flames.

This is the first we’ve heard of Todd’s supersecret beauty/law job. Also, he is a doublespacer. The world should know. 

Ah, bronzer. At best, it can make you look vibrant and healthy. At worst, it can make you look like a Jersey Shore cast member’s pillowcase (are we still making those references? whatever, I’m doing it).

Easy, no-muss bronzing: find a finely-milled matte bronzer and apply with a fan brush. The sparseness of the fan brush’s bristles will ensure a sheer, idiot-proof wash of color (idiot). Bronzing can not only save a too-light foundation application, it can contour your face as well. Apply on high planes of the face where the sun would naturally hit (forehead, nose, cheekbones, a tiny bit on the chin). For contouring, brush into temples, the hollow space under your cheekbones, and under your jawline. You can also brush it over your collarbone and shoulders for a nice sun-kissed glow. As always, don’t forget to blend that shit.