Today’s post comes from Kai, a grade school friend of mine who consistently cracks everyone up on Facebook. That’s about the only qualification I need to pester someone into writing something for me.

Ladies, I would like to take this opportunity to address the issue of bobby pins because it’s something of an epidemic. You leave those damned things absolutely everywhere. On my dresser. In the sink. Under the couch. In my refrigerator. They’re litter, like cigarette butts or used needles. Oh look — the cat just choked to death on one. Fantastic.

Here’s a list of things that I hate finding in my apartment:
1. Fire 2. Bobby Pins 3. Meth Addicts 4. Dead Cats

I imagine you must distribute them about the room like Johnny Fucking Appleseed when I’m not looking, because they always end up in new and surprising places. It’s ridiculous. Something rattling around in my laptop? Bobby pin. Pointy thing in my shoe? Bobby pin. Weird thing in my teeth after hooking up with you? Motherfucking bobby pin!

Kai, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: it’s not an epidemic, it’s a conspiracy. That’s all I’m at liberty to say.

Speaking of conspiracies, bobby pin users, did you know that the correct way to wear bobby pins is with the wavy side down and the flat side up? The wavy part is designed to grip your hair. Betcha didn’t know that, did you. Betcha didn’t think you came to this entry to get your mind blown, did you. BAM: schooled.

I spent entirely too long trying to figure out if those were eyebrows. Still confused.

Campbell out.

The face of a man who has clearly just sat on a bobby pin.